Updated: September 14, 2020
By Derek Martin
Everybody shits. It’s a simple fact of life.
But even faced with this certain truth, both men and women alike feel shame and embarrassment when they drop a particularly foul smelling ass bomb in the discomfort of someone else’s bathroom.
It’s because of this shame and embarrassment that the phrase “how to get rid of poop smell in the bathroom fast” is searched with quite regularity in Google and other search engines.
While many of you are reading this article simply for future reference, I’m sure a good many of you are currently sitting on the toilet, in the thick of things, frantically searching the internet for tips on how to eliminate your poop stink from the bathroom, fast.
So in order to educate both parties, this article covers a bunch of pre-shit and post-shit techniques that will help you get rid of poop smell from the bathroom regardless of your current situation in life. Enjoy.
How to Prevent Poop Smell Before Doing the Deed
If you’re tired of embarrassing shit smells and odor, preventing them before they occur is absolutely the way to go (whenever possible). While this may not be applicable to you guys who are currently sitting on the toilet reading this article on your phone, it will help you avoid embarrassing situations in the future.
And if you are currently sitting on the crapper looking for some quick tips on how to get rid of poop smell from the bathroom fast — skip ahead to my post-shit tips.
For everyone else let’s continue forward and check out some effective methods for preventing poop smell in the bathroom before it has the chance to take over.
If you aren’t familiar with the technique of a courtesy flush, it’s likely you have been leaving the bathroom in far worse shape than need be.
A courtesy flush simply means flushing the toilet while you are still sitting on it in order to reduce offending stink. The science behind it is actually pretty simple: The longer your shit bomb hangs around in the toilet bowl, the more it will stink up the bathroom — for yourself and for others.
So the next time you’re relaxing on your porcelain throne, throw in a courtesy flush or two to help get a serious jump start on eliminating your ass stink from the bathroom.
Perfectly Timed Courtesy Flush
Now that you’re familiar with the concept of a courtesy flush, it’s time to step up your game and learn the art of the perfectly timed courtesy flush.
A perfectly timed courtesy flush is designed to completely eliminate the amount of time your shit hangs around in the toilet bowl.
If performed correctly, your poop will exit your asshole and free fall directly into the toilet drain just as the flushing water carries it away to turd heaven. No muss, no fuss, and best of all — no dallying about.
Now I must warn you, this technique should only be used once you master the basics of the standard courtesy flush.
I will not be held responsible for any wayward shits that land on your bathroom floor due to improper execution of the technique. Trust me I’ve seen it before.
Executing a perfectly timed courtesy flush requires timing, discipline, and a strong mind-butthole connection to pull it off effectively.
While the concept is pretty simple, the results can be quite devastating if not performed correctly. The following step-by-step instructions will help guide you in the right direction.
Step 1. Pin your ass to the toilet seat
This is where most people go wrong. Your ass should be pressed tightly to the toilet seat. If you’re just casually or lackadaisically sitting on the toilet seat while reaching back towards the flushing handle, you will increase the likelihood of your butt cheeks lifting away from the seat. When this happens you introduce the possibility of spraying fecal matter all over the bathroom floor and even the walls. No bueno. So tighten up those ass muscles and firmly plant your cheeks to the seat.
Step 2. Get your hand on the trigger
Preparedness is key for a perfectly timed courtesy flush. This means getting your hand on the trigger and ready to pull at a moments notice. Depending on the severity of your shit this can be more difficult to accomplish than you may think.
Certain types of diarrhea have been known to explode from the asshole upon squatting, so it’s important to have your hand on the trigger before you even sit down if you feel like you got a bad case of diarrhea brewing in the tank.
Step 3. Push then push
The perfectly timed courtesy flush is a subtle art that will not be mastered on the first attempt. There will be some growing pains involved and even a bit of a learning curve, but once you get a feel for it, it will be automatic.
One of the most common mistakes people make is flushing the toilet too late. If you can audibly hear your turd splashing into the water you waited far too long — shit fumes everywhere.
The key is to actually flush the toilet before your turd breaks the barrier of your butthole. By doing this you will allow your turd to plummet into the water below just as it’s swirling down the drain into the great beyond. This completely eliminates any chance for your turd to loiter about in the toilet bowl and stink up the place.
Let 21st Century Science Handle it
The 20th century gave us airplanes, automobiles, computers, television, antibiotics, and even rockets.
And how do we follow up this age of miraculous technological advances? By producing a long line of products that prevent shit stink. What a time we live in.
Below is a list of some the absolute finest shit-stink eliminating products available on the market today. Each one of these miracles of modern-day science is designed to be a preventative measure against the sins of the butthole.
By applying these products to the toilet water before dumping your load, you will effectively eliminate the chance of your shit fumes permeating the air. Ah science.
Leading the charge for poop-stink preventing products is Poo-Pourri. Founded back in 2007, Poo-Pourri was the first product of its kind to hit the market. Formulated using essential oils, this spray is designed to be applied to the toilet pre-shit to help create a barrier on the surface of the water and trap bad smells inside.
Since its inception Poo-Pourri has quickly become one of the go-to products for bathroom matters involving the butthole.
While many of their original scents were clearly designed with women in mind, they now offer a bunch of masculine smelling scents that appeal directly to men such as “Trap-A-Crap” which is a manly blend of cedarwood and citrus.
A few more of their popular scents include:
- Original Citrus – Lemon, bergamot, lemongrass
- Ship Happens – Coconut, freesia, citrus
- Tropical Hibiscus – Hibiscus, apricot, citrus
- Royal Flush – Eucalyptus, spearmint
- Smokey Woods – Cedar, hickory, citrus
Built on the same concept as Poo-Pourri, Mask Toilet Spray contains a bunch of essential and fragrance oils that create a barrier on the surface of the water to help prevent shit fumes from escaping the toilet bowl.
And although Mask Toilet Spray isn’t anything that we haven’t seen before, they are definitely worth checking out due to their long line of awesome scents and fragrances (Teakwood & Tobacco is my personal favorite).
A few of their more popular scents include:
- Fifty Shades
- Green Tea & Lemongrass
- Coconut & Lime
- Black Raspberry & Vanilla
- Champagne & Strawberries
- Salted Caramel Ice Cream
- Baked Strawberry Donut
- Campfire Smoke
- Cotton Candy
- Bubblegum Blast
- Fruity Loops
If you didn’t think that poop spray could get any more ridiculous, enter Unicorn Gold by Squatty Potty. Formulated with natural essential oils and 100% REAL GOLD nano-particles, this toilet spray gives your turd a royal sendoff as it ventures into the great unknown.
And as ridiculous as this spray is, I must admit that it actually does work really well. While I’m not going to pretend to understand the science behind it, but apparently gold particles are really good at eliminating sulfur compounds that cause shit to stink. The essential oils also throw their hat in the ring by emitting their own glorious fragrance into the air as turds come splashing through their barrier.
Suffice it to say Unicorn Gold is a seriously next-level turd-stink preventing toilet spray. If this is the direction poop sprays are headed, buckle your seat belt because it’s going to be a wild ride.
Unicorn Gold is available in these 5 scents:
- Mystic Squeeze
- Citrus Forest
- Tropical Dropsicle
- Fruity Booty
- Pinch of Vanilla
From the company that gave us guys some of the best damn bathroom wipes on the face of the earth, we have these pod type pac things that you drop in the toilet pre-shit to eliminate offending stink and odor. These toilet-safe pods dissolve on contact with water and are designed to create a barrier that prevents shit fumes from escaping the bowl.
And although they kind of look like something you should be putting in your dishwashing machine and not in the toilet— they do in fact work really well. They are infused with a bunch of fragrance oils that radiate the scent of lavender, cedar, lime, and eucalyptus and leave the bathroom smelling even fresher then when you found it.
Another thing that I really like about these Dude Bombs is their size. Easily concealed in the pocket, these pods are easy to take on-the-go if your concerned about blowing up a strange bathroom while away from home.
How to Get Rid of Poop Smell Fast After the Deed is Done
If you are currently sitting on the toilet and searched Google to find this article, chances are you are in a post-shit panic.
The bathroom you’re in undoubtedly stinks like shit, and Kyle is on the other side of that bathroom door waiting to enter upon your exit. Not only is he a total prick, but he’s also a huge fucking blabber mouth. Eliminating any and all traces of your offending shit is of paramount importance at this point.
While the situation may look bleak, don’t worry, all is not lost. I have a few tricks up my sleeve that might help get you out of troubled water.
But before we continue, I want you to calm down, take a deep breath, clear your head, and repeat this phrase 3 times with me:
Everybody shits. Everybody shits. Everybody shits.
Now that you’re calm, cool, and collected, it’s time to take action. And remember — time is of the essence here.
So get your game face on, take a deep breath, and let’s get to work.
Step 1. Flush the Evidence
The sooner you sink your turd missile — the better. The truth is: The bathroom air won’t begin to clear until your offending stink bomb has left the building. So if you haven’t already done so — get your finger on the trigger and pull (flush the damn toilet).
Step 2. Turn the Cold Water on Full Throttle
Ideally step 1 and step 2 should be done in unison if possible. But if the bathroom layout simply doesn’t permit it, flush the toilet and then haul ass over to the sink and hit the cold water — full blast.
Running the cold water actually helps neutralize odors, at least to a small degree.
While this trick might not be that effective for larger bathrooms, it actually does seem to make a difference in small, confined bathrooms. Either way, every little bit helps.
Step 3. Ventilate
Most modern day bathrooms are equipped with exhaust fans that are pretty damn effective at sucking out shit fumes. Turning on the exhaust fan should’ve been one of the first things you did when you entered the bathroom, but if it wasn’t get your smelly ass over to the switch and turn it on now.
If the exhaust fan is a no-go, quietly curse the homeowner’s name then survey the bathroom for a window that can be opened. If there is a window, great, open it. If not, quietly curse the homeowner’s name again and then proceed to step 4.
Step 4. Rummage
Depending on how you faired in step 3, your position may be significantly improved at this point or the walls may feel like they’re closing in all around you.
If your position is the latter, try to ignore the loudening sound of Kyle’s maniacal laugh in the back of your head and focus on the task at hand here.
Step 4 involves getting down, dirty, creative, and allows you to invade the homeowners personal space. Wins all around.
Quickly survey the layout of the bathroom. Look for any cabinet or cupboard that may house cleaning products, soap, shampoo, or if you’re really lucky, those spray type air-fresheners that kind-of-sort-of mask the smell of shit.
Feel free to rummage through the cabinets throughly and invasively. Any type of cleansing product that has a strong odor such as bleach, vinegar, bathroom cleaner, or even baking soda will help neutralize odors and significantly reduce the scent of your offending butthole bomb.
If you do happen to strike paydirt, add a little bit of your find to the toilet water to help get the odor under control. While this alone likely won’t eradicate the stink, it can greatly improve your situation if used in conjunction with the previous steps.
Step 5. Exude Confidence and Deflect Blame
The moment of truth is at hand. It’s time to face the music.
If you successfully implemented every one of the steps listed above, great, walk out of the bathroom with your head held high. You can even make eye contact with Kyle as you confidently walk past him.
On the flip-side if you failed miserably at eradicating the stink, your confidence level might be next to nil at this point.
But before you open that bathroom door and walk out with your tail between your legs, I want you to tell yourself this:
I did NOT just take a shit.
That’s right. Say it like you fucking mean it.
I did NOT just take a shit.
If you believe you didn’t just take a massive shit, they will believe it to.
So head high, back erect, and get ready to repeat this phrase to Kyle’s smug little face: “You might want to hold off on going in there, someone blew it up.”
Thanks for reading. If you found this article helpful or have a few tips and tricks of your own, sound off in the comment section below.