December 4, 2019
By Derek Martin
Aside from being 5 very accurate words to describe my senior prom date; these are some of the more common testicle annoyances that us guys have to deal with on a regular basis.
Common knowledge aside, did you know that testicles have a
rich and storied strange and bizarre place in history? From forced castration to self mutilation, the history surrounding our testicles ranges from inhumane to downright surreal.
Giant balls, odd balls, squeezed balls, and a little known fact about Hitler they probably didn’t teach you in school; I’ll touch on them all (not literally) with these 5 weird facts about testicles you probably didn’t know.
To kick off our list, let’s start with this bizarre fact about castrati singers and their testicles, or should I say, the lack thereof.
In the 16th and 17th centuries, it was disturbingly common for young choir boys to have their testicles cut off before puberty in order to maintain a soprano or alto singing voice. These “castrati singers” would sometimes achieve fame and notoriety for their unique vocal characteristics and unrivaled lung power.
In an incredibly misguided effort to build wealth, some poor families would castrate their prepubescent boys in hopes of achieving fame, wealth, and riches through the growing use of castrati singers in opera houses. Talk about getting your priorities straight. Not only were many castrations a complete failure, most castrati singers never achieved a level of success that was financially beneficial. Their parents really dropped the ball(s) on that one.
Tastes in music, and people finally coming to their senses, led to the decline and eventual ban of castration in the 18th century for anything other than medical purposes.
The last known castrato Alessandro Moreschi, lived until the early 19th century, and is the only castrato to make solo recordings.
Alessandro Moreschi singing Ave Maria:
Considering what they did to get his voice to sound like that; it kind of makes me shudder.
It’s safe to assume that everyone knows the heinous crimes of Adolf Hitler, but did you know he likely only had one testicle?
Long before he rose to a position of power, Hitler served as a lance corporal in the Bavarian army, and was assigned the duty of message-runner.
“Runner” duties involved delivering important messages on foot, often in the thick of heavy enemy gun fire. Naturally this was quite the dangerous job that saw most runners killed within a week.
Unfortunately for the world, Hitler managed to survive as a runner for almost 4 years, before he was eventually struck by a bullet in the upper thigh/groin area.
The idea that he lost a testicle due to this injury is cause for debate, but there is some highly convincing anecdotal evidence that strongly supports the theory.
According to a first-hand account by German Army Medic, Johan Jambor, Hitler was wounded in the groin area, which resulted in the loss of his left testicle.
While trying to carry him to safety, the rescue group came under heavy French gunfire and had to temporarily abandon the rescue, and seek cover. As it turns out, Hitler didn’t take too kindly to this and began screaming for his rescuers to return; leading to him being dubbed “screamer” (aka bitch).
According to Jambor, Hitler’s first question to the doctor was: “Can I still father children?”
Balls To The Wall
Okay, so we all know what basic functions the testicles serve: they produce sperm, and they secrete testosterone. But did you know how damn efficient they are at their job?
Don’t worry, I’m not going to get all sciencey on you. For two reasons:
1. I don’t want to bore the hell out of you.
2. I wouldn’t know what the hell I was talking about.
But the facts are, testicles can produce well over 3,000 sperm per second, and close to 300 million per day. If you think about it, that’s pretty incredible.
To put it into perspective, your balls make more sperm in 26 days, than there are people in the entire world.
Sperm production isn’t the only task testicles excel at. They are responsible for producing and supplying testosterone to the male muscles and skeletal system.
Without this vital hormone, men are at risk for:
- Erectile dysfunction
- Low sex drive
- Increased body fat
- Decreased muscle size and strength
- Fragile bones
- Increased fatigue
- Swelling of the breast tissue (tits)
” You got big balls man.”
I’m sure you’ve heard the phrase before. It’s usually said when someone displays unwavering courage in the face of danger, or when somebody is about to do something incredibly stupid.
Either way, we have naturally come to associate large testicles with manliness, and bravery.
But believe it or not, having a large pair of balls isn’t always an ideal situation. That was the case with Las Vegas Native Wesley Warren, whose testicles ballooned up to an incredible 132 pounds. And no that’s not a typo. 132 pounds!
That’s equivalent in weight to an average 16 year old male.
It’s comparable in weight to 2 ten year old boys.
Or the weight of 2 golden retrievers carrying a fat cat that’s eating a dead mouse.
In short, it’s a shit ton of weight to have hanging between your legs 24/7.
Mr. Warren’s condition was the result of scrotal elephantiasis, which causes massive swelling of the male genitalia. Extremely rare in the United States, scrotal elephantiasis is caused by roundworms that are spread from the bite of mosquitos.
As you can probably imagine, basic daily functions are quite the chore when your nuts are the size of a beachball.
Wesley’s condition got so severe that his penis became completely engulfed by his scrotum, requiring him to urinate in the shower.
Wearing pants was clearly no longer an option so he began wearing hoodies that acted as a makeshift sling; with his legs in the armholes and his enormous testicles in the hood.
After suffering for 4.5 years with this debilitating disease, a team of doctors heard of Wesley’s condition and offered to perform the required surgery free of charge. Yay for common decency.
Death by Compression of the Balls
Imagine you find yourself in court, and the judge renders the verdict:
“I sentence you to death by compression of the testicles.”
Sheesh, and you thought drowning would be the worst way to go.
Believe it or not, this was a legitimate – albeit rare – form of execution hundreds of years ago. One of the better known examples is found during the reign of the Ottoman Empire, and the hired murder of teenage Sultan Osman II in May of 1622.
The hired assassin, known as Pehlivan “The Oil Wrestler” must’ve been baffled to have to carry out such a unique form of execution.
I’d be curious to know exactly how those orders were delineated. I imagine it went something like this:
“Hey Pehlivan, knock it off with the oil wrestling for a sec. We need to talk to you. Listen, we got a job if you’re interested. We need you to murder the new Sultan.”
Pehlivan: “Okay. How would you like it done?”
“We really wanna send a message with this one, so go in there and squeeze his testicles until he’s no longer consisting of life pulse.”
“Yeah, just get in there and give em’ a good strong squeeze. You know, crank on em’ for a bit.”
Pehlivan: “You want me to squeeze his testicles?”
“Damnit Pehlivan! This isn’t 21 questions, you want the job or not?”
I’m going to assume that’s exactly how the conversation went.
While a casual yank of the balls is unlikely to do any harm, a enthusiastic squeeze could be the death of you. While highly improbable, there have been numerous reported cases of men dying from intense, prolonged testicle squeezing:
In 2012, a shopkeeper in Haikou, China was killed during a physical altercation over a parking spot with an irate woman. Cause of death: lethal ball squeeze.
Also in 2012, a 20 year old man from Kalwa, Thane died when an argument with a neighbor turned violent, resulting in his demise on the spot. Cause of death: She turned his testicles into a stress ball.
In 2016 an estranged Vietnamese couple got into a physical altercation that resulted in the loss of the husbands life. Cause of death: a 5 minute nut crank without a happy ending.
As it turns out, squeezing your testicles hard enough can cause a man to go into cardiac arrest, which was the case with most of these incidents.
What do you think of the list? Do you know any strange or bizarre testicle facts that I should’ve included? Leave it in the comments below.